Life in Retrospect

Life has been interesting and not entirely easy the last year or so. I have changed cars 4 times nows. The way I have viewed things has changed significantly. My desires and plans have been continually changing. I got a dog which is a significant change in just day to day activities and I have had to say goodbye to one too many loved ones. I imagine these type posts usually come at the end of the year, right before starting off with new resolutions and goals but there is something significant about this past week. This past week marks the first event in a series of extremely crazy events that have filled my life this past year. It was my first break down. I don't mean mentally, rather my first automobile breakdown. If you knew me then, you would know that my car was like a person to me. He was a Pontiac Aztek and his name was Montez. I'm a bit of a nerd and the name came from the leader of the Aztec Indians, Montezuma (or Moctezuma or various other names), and the man who conquered them, Hernando Cortez (or Hernán Cortés if you rather). Regardless, this car meant a lot to me. This time last year, I found myself broken down on the side of the road. Little did I know that that initial incident would be the first in a year long string of incidents that would leave me utterly exhausted-spiritually, mentally, and physically. I don't have much to say at this point. My mind is still fluttering with everything that I am sorting through. As I am looking back through this past year, I am remembering the lessons that God has taught me, the things that I have learned, and how I have grown, and even more so those times when I've failed to see the significance of suffering.

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:2-6

11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace¹ for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honorwhen Jesus Christ is revealed.

I think one of the biggest things that I have had to learn, is that regardless of our sufferings, God is right there in the midst of the flames with us. He doesn't leave us to fight the battle alone, but He protects us. He is our fortress, our stronghold, our Savior.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46

Suffering is a time for our faith to grow, for our dependence on God to grow, for us to be still and know that He is God and He is in control. I still haven't grasped that completely. I still find myself wondering why these things are happening and if He's still holding the reigns up there. But that's why He has given us the scripture, to be reassured in our sufferings and to prove His faithfulness. I want to end this post with the chorus to a song that is so powerful. If you haven't ever read the story behind it, you should!

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

I Believe in Love-Barlow Girl

I don't know where this blog may find you, but I hope that regardless of your current situation you are clinging to His love and knowing that He is seeing you through. He is our fortress, our refuge, and our strength-that means something right.

²⁴ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”-Mark 9:24

18 Hours and Counting

It's been a while since I have posted and it hasn't been because of a lack of things to say, but just because I have been so busy. This semester has been absolute chaos but full of fun and sweet fellowship with friends. I recently just got back from a mission trip in New Orleans with 99 of my closest friends! And by recently I mean, 6 hours ago. The trip was truly amazing. I was blessed beyond belief by the people I worked with, the music I was able to worship to, and the lessons from God's Word that I heard each night. I just want to share a little bit of my experiences and the lessons that God has brought through each experience.

Where are my motives when I am serving the Lord?

I worked on the sex trafficking and prostitution team this past week. There were six of us girls on the team and we all had these ideas built up of what we were going to be doing as our mission work. Needless to say, our ideas didn't fall in line with God's ideas that much. We had expected to be out in the field more, but instead we found ourselves far removed from the field and in the background. Our attitudes were not where they should have been. Through a friend and through some sweet time with Him, God quickly revealed to all of us that our motives were all wrong. I allowed pride to get in the way-the desire to go and tell everyone about my awesome experiences and the amazing things that I did in New Orleans. I wanted to do big things for God so much so that I had been praying for weeks that God would do phenomenal things and He did-I just never expected them to be in me. He taught me that first day that no job He gives us is too small. We are to take responsibility for every job that He gives us-not just the ones that we deem important. Later in the week He even dropped a verse right in my life to go along with that lesson He was teaching me. It comes from 1 Corinthians 15:58 and it says

"So my dear brothers and sisters, stand strong. Do not let anything move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your work in the Lord is never wasted." (NCV)

Am I giving the Lord my all in the jobs that He gives me?

Along the same lines as having pure motives, He taught me that each job we are given, we should take seriously. We should approach each job with the mindset that this is for my Father, my Creator, the one who loves me beyond comprehension and because of that love I want to give Him my all and do everything I can to serve Him and Him alone. Colossians 3:23 says,

"In all the work you are doing, work the best you can. Work as if you were doing it for the Lord, not for people." (NCV)

Am I trusting COMPLETELY in Him to guide me, take care of me, and have the best plan for my life? Essentially am I resting in the fact that God indeed knows best?

This is one question/lesson I have been struggling with a LOT over the past few days. As I was in the middle of this amazing mission trip where God was truly showing up, my uncle who recently found out he has cancer went into the hospital with things looking really glum. Losing him is truly a sad event, especially since I'm not sure where he stands with the Lord, as far as I know, he has never had a relationship with Christ. I can't understand it and I've been fighting God on this one for the last couple of days. Frustration and anger overwhelmed me as I asked God why he is giving my family yet another heartache to endure. Why is my dad having to lose yet another person that he loves. It's not fair. And that's all I could say.

I got back to Athens and took a short break before heading back on the road towards north georgia. I came straight to the hospital and that's where I am now. I have been awake for over 18 hours at this point and 11 of those 18 hours I spent in a car crossing state and county lines. On my way from Athens to home, God used one of my favorite things to minister to my angry heart: music. I had my iPhone on shuffle (thanks to my wonderful roommate for letting me borrow her adapter so that my phone would not die) and song after song of encouragement and love continued to pop up. The first song that really hit me and let me know that it was God pouring comfort on me was Mountain of God by Third Day. I encourage you to check out all of the lyrics, but just to keep this post on the shorter side, I will only put the chorus up. It says,

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

I though to myself,"Well dang. God isn't just leaving me here to struggle through this stuff alone. He isn't just hoping I'm going to make it through the other side. He is guiding me. It makes me think of a giant maze (I really love those things, even though I'm absolutely terrible at them). He isn't just throwing me into the maze hoping that I will eventually find my way out. No, He is guiding me every step of the way and the struggle that I'm dealing with, makes the idea of victory and freedom so much sweeter.

The second song that hit me was Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North. This song is phenomenal because it's so real. This song summed up exactly how I have felt this past week.

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?



One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart



I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?



One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name



One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.



Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?

My prayer for the day-or rather the night-is that these questions become real to me. I think so many times the things I learn are only abstract, they don't ever translate into real life. But as I'm sitting here beside my uncle, my heart broken for him, for the city of New Orleans, for the girls I didn't get to work with, and for people all over in similar or worse situations, I see these questions beginning to become 3D-to translate into real life. I pray that I not only watch the questions become real life but I also watch the response to the questions become real life: that I serve with pure motives seeking for only Him to be glorified, that I serve Him with all that I have regardless of my imposed importance of the task, and that I trust in His will regardless of what pain that may bring. I know that I was supposed to be on that trip to New Orleans and God answered my prayers as I prayed for Him to do something phenomenal. He did something phenomenal in me. It only took me crossing three states to be still and listen to Him. As I'm going on being awake for my 19th hour with several hours left before I can go to sleep-I'm hoping I can find time to be still and listen as He teaches me something else. I challenge you to do the same-be still and listen, you'd be surprised how much you can hear once you stop trying to figure everything out.

Hold my heart.