The New York Blues

So here we are, one week into my second stay here in the big apple and the lessons have already begun. What could I have possibly learned within one week that was so monumental I felt the need to blog about it you might say. Well, I've learned a lot- about myself, about Father, about people. How could I not live in such a large place with so many people and not learn a few things while I'm here. Before I continue, there's something you really need to know about me in order to understand. I am an extreme extrovert. Some of you may be thinking that that simply does not make sense  because when you first meet me I am quiet, reserved, sometimes extremely shy. That same group of you also knows that once I know you, I can be loud, outgoing, and a little on the crazy side. But one thing is for certain, I cannot stand to be by myself. I really do not like it. I despise it with a fiery passion. I don't necessarily have to be talking with someone. I don't have to be doing the same thing as someone. I just need to be around people. Lots of people. The more the better. So here I am, finding myself in one of the only places in the world where I can be surrounded by so many people, 1,601, 948 other people to be exact (that's only in manhattan), and I still find myself feeling helplessly alone.

No, no I'm not saying this out of pity for myself. It's a fact. This past week I have felt more alone than I have ever felt since my freshmen year of college. I'm used to living with some of the most wonderful people in the planet and spending every waking moment surrounded by one of my best friends. I'm used to having a strong community of believers around me twenty-four seven. I am so conditioned to think that when I have nothing else to do, I should be hanging out with a group of people who likewise having nothing else to do. It's been a hard transition for me this week, going from the college mindset to the mindset of, dare I say it, an adult. Especially because I don't really feel like an adult. I'm not doing the things that most people do when they graduate college. I'm not pursuing grad school. I'm not starting my first job. I'm not, thankfully, getting married. None of those big firsts that are happening for a lot of my friends are happening for me and so I feel a little lost.

To say I feel a little lost is a bit of an understatement. In reality, I feel a lot lost. The roof is one of my favorite places in all of the city. Unfortunately, I think I've spent more time crying up on that roof than enjoying the beautiful view of the city. The roof is my thinking spot- kind of like the thinking chair on Blue's Clues. I go up there when I need to have a revelation, or I just need to sort things out. Maybe the elevation helps the blood flow to my brain? I'm not sure, but somehow I always seem to find the answer I'm looking for. Maybe not on my first visit, but it eventually finds its way. The other night, I sat on the roof for hours in a state of panic. I felt like I had lost my family and my friends all in one swoop by coming back to the city for several more months. I began thinking that returning to Georgia would confirm the dreaded fear that none of those people would be there when I got back. One of my dearest and wisest friends reminded me of the calling Christ put on the disciples' lives and really on the lives of anyone who desired to follow Him.

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 
Matthew 16:25

As they were going along the road, someone said to Jesus, "I will follow you any place you go." Jesus said to them, "The foxes have holes to live in, and the birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to rest his head." Jesus said to another man, "Follow me!" But he said, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." But Jesus said to him, "Let the people who are dead bury their own dead. You must go and tell about the kingdom of God." Another man said, "I will follow you, Lord, but first let me go and say good-bye to my family." Jesus said, "Anyone who begins to plow a field but keeps looking back is of no use in the kingdom of God."
Luke 9:57-62

In yet another passage, a young man comes and asks Christ what he must do to have eternal life. Christ tells him to obey the commandments, to which his response is that he had. Jesus responds by telling him that he must sell all of his possessions and give up all the material wealth he had for others. This was too much for the young rich man who left "sorrowfully, because he was rich." As Christ began to explain that someone so in love with material items would have a harder time surrendering those things in his life to the only supreme power, the disciples stand amazed. They look on in wonder as Christ says that "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God" and ask how then is it possible for anyone to be saved. 
(Matthew 10)

Jesus looked at them and said, "For people this is impossible, but for God all things are possible. Peter said to Jesus, "Look, we have left everything and followed you." Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, all those who have left houses, brothers, sisters, mother, father children, or farms for me and for the Good News will get more than they left. Here in this world they will have a hundred times more homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields. And with those things, they will also suffer for their belief. But in this age they will have life forever.  Many who are first now will be last in the future. And many who are last now will be first in the future. 
Mark 10:27-31

As reminded by these scriptures and by my dear friend, the calling of Christ does not mean that our personal lives are safe and kept in tact. It also does not mean that I will lose all of my friends and be doomed to suffer this impossible task alone. The body of Christ exists so that we can shoulder our burdens on our brothers and sisters and feel as though we have support even if they may not be physically with us. As I've been reading a lot of Paul's letters to the different churches, I see this idea even more clearly. Paul was not always able to show his support and love for the churches by being there for them physically. Sometimes he would send someone in his place. Every time he offered them prayer and guidance from afar. I was comforted through scripture this week that I have brothers and sisters in Christ all across the country who are praying for me daily as I serve here in New York. I rejoiced in the thought that Father has blessed me with such a strong base of friends who are there for me even when we are separated by miles and miles of land. I went into Central Park this afternoon wandering around in thought. I went in burdened and sad but came out renewed and refreshed. I felt as though my time with Father in that park was greatly needed. I also stumbled upon a realization that while I may feel alone in this city, I still have Father and the amazing support system He has in place for me. I also thought about the fact that there are so many others in the city who feel just as alone as I did, but they don't know the love of Father. My heart ached at the thought of them trying to cope with that overwhelming sense of loneliness on their own. 

So here's my prayer for the day, and I ask all of you who will read this to pray for this as well. I pray that somehow I will find someone else who is lonely in this city and doesn't have Father to lean on and that I may be able to show them Father's love. I pray for divine appointment on my footsteps, my wanderings, my conversations, and my everyday interactions and for opened eyes for opportunities Father will give. I pray that I am ready and watching. I pray for guidance for my tongue and wisdom in my advice. I pray, that overall, this loneliness I feel is used for God's glory and honor and praise. 

Since we have been made right with God by our faith, we have peace with God. This happened through our Lord Jesus Christ, who through our faith has brought us into that blessing of God's grace that we now enjoy. And we are happy because of the hope we have of sharing God's glory. We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience, And patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out His love to fill our hearts. He gave us His love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to us. 
Romans 5:1-5