Procrastination

I have been doing everything in my power in order to procrastinate for my THREE exams that are coming up this week. I have baked, I have watched football, I have watched movies, I have played the piano, I have spent time with friends. I have done so many things to avoid studying and I am now doing another one. Yes I should probably be reading about Karl Marx or Max Weber or Russian alcoholism, but true to nature, I will put it all off until the last minute. In doing this I just spent some much needed, quality time on the piano in our living room. I sit here now with happiness even with an epic disaster of a week looming over me. There are a few reasons why-and you know I'm about to tell you so just get ready.

Tonight I went to a worship night that the BCM Impact Band led (and they did a fabulous job by the way). It was an amazing night spent just worshipping and drawing near to the Lord and in return having Him draw near to me. And as I spent time worshipping, the Lord placed on my mind several thoughts. The first was how blessed we are to have a God that draws near to us, that IS with us, that dwells among us. Sometimes I think we unconsciously take for granted the thought that we have a LIVING God. One that is active in our lives-even in the smallest things. I heard a message last Sunday that was centered around 1 Samuel 9 and how God is a God of details. In this chapter, Saul has left to go find his father's lost donkeys. Now this may seem pointless, weird, ordinary whatever but just think about. At the end of this journey, Saul runs into Samuel who knows that THIS is the man that the Lord has appointed to become the leader of Israel. Just one big coincidence right. Yeah no. The question that the man giving this message asked that really resonated with me was this-"Who let the donkeys out anyway?". And think about it. The donkeys had to run at the PERFECT speed to avoid Saul catching them, they had to run a particular route so that Saul would end up in the right city, and I don't know about you, but I don't think that donkeys would be smart enough to orchestrate all of that. Even we as humans, who think critically and sometimes logically, would not be able to plan out everything so perfectly to end with the exact results that we want-something would go wrong even if it was just that one of the donkeys left a trail making it easier for Saul to find them. So after hearing this message and then the Lord's whispers in worship tonight, I was left with the thought, who are we that the God of creation would be so involved in our lives to distinctly plan out each detail that all together point us to a greater purpose. Sheesh-(mind blown). It's amazing to know, truly know, that we serve a God who responds, who cares, who loves us, but above all who is sovereign and just. Not just an idol. Not something that can't reciprocate all of the love that we have, but we serve a God who GIVES us this love. 1 John tells us that we love because God is love and if we don't know the Lord then we don't know love and vice versa. We love God because He loves us. We serve God because Christ served us. We don't serve a man who was a great teacher, we don't serve someone that was well known and loved because he never offended anyone. We serve a God who is just and right and through everything wants His name to be glorified and has chosen US to help do that. (Mind blown again). 

My second thought came as a friend of mine was speaking. He was talking about heaven and how it will be a completely different place. That there will be no notion of sickness, no pain, no heartaches, or sufferings. I had a talk with another friend about this later and my mind was stuck on the thought of no sickness or pain but there will be no sin or temptation either. There will just be unhindered joy. Our lives will finally be made complete in seeing and truly knowing the Father. The thought that keeps running circles around my pea sized brain is that there will be no pain, temptation or sin because our minds won't be there. In this time the flesh will be defeated and we will be living eternity out with our Father who has been faithful and gracious to us, healing our hearts and redeeming us from lives of brokenness that we could not redeem ourselves from. The things of this world that we put so much stock into, and I am honestly the worst one, will not matter in comparison to spending eternity with the God who CREATED US and not just us, but universes. 

I mentioned playing the piano earlier and I mentioned it because I want to put some lyrics to some old hymns in here. I love hymns. Sometimes though, the words are so worn that we don't stop and think about them. So I just want to write them here in hopes that they come across in a new way to you. 

1. In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
   A wondrous beauty I see,
   For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
   To pardon and sanctify me.
2. To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
   Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
   Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
   Where His glory forever I’ll share.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! 
 My sin, not in part but the whole, 
 is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, 
 praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! 

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, 
 the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; 
 the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, 
 even so, it is well with my soul. 

When Christ shall come,
With shouts of acclamation,
And take me home,
What joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow
In humble adoration
And there proclaim,
"My God, how great Thou art!" 


Now I want to share a passage of scripture that is so exciting and meaningful to me. It comes from Ephesians and I think that this scripture really sums up God's grace towards us. 


"In the past you were spiritually dead because of your sins and the things you did against God. Yes, in the past you lived the way the world lives, following the ruler of the evil powers that are above the earth. That same spirit is now working in those who refuse to obey God. In the past all of us lived like them, trying to please our sinful selves and doing all the things our bodies and minds wanted. We should have suffered God's anger because we were sinful by nature. We were the same as all other people. BUT God's mercy is great, and He loved us very much. Though we were spiritually dead because of the things we did against God, He gave us new life with Christ. You have been saved by God's grace. And He raised us up with Christ and gave us a seat with Him in the heavens. He did this for those in Christ Jesus so that for all future time he could show the very great riches of His grace by being kind to us in Christ Jesus. I mean that you have been saved by grace through believing. You did not save yourselves: it was a gift from God. It was not the result of your own efforts, so you cannot brag about it. God has made us what we are in Christ Jesus. God made us to do good works, which God planned in advance for us to live our lives doing." 
Ephesians 2:1-10

Topsy-Turvydom

I'm going to be blunt here. This post is going to be one of the longest and possibly most transparent ones I've ever written. It won't be poetic, because let's be honest, none of my posts are. It won't be beautifully pieced together. But hopefully it will be real and applicable to someone out there. I've titled this post topsy-turvydom because that is a word I've used to describe my life for the past three years. Topsy-turvydom simply means "a state of extreme confusion and disorder". The word that shouts out at me in this definition is EXTREME. This weekend has been full of EXTREME revelation and I'm leaving here tomorrow with a little more understanding and acceptance than I had before I came. For you to really understand this though, I have to start at the beginning. I hope that you will bear with me long enough to get to what the Lord has shown me this weekend.

I came to college thinking I had it all together. I thought that I knew who I was in Christ. I thought that my faith was real. I thought that my faith was completely founded in Him and nothing could shake me. I thought that I could take on the world. Wrong. You see, I thought all of those things but none of those things had any foundation, any piece of truth to them. I THOUGHT that things in life had made me strong and my faith in the Lord strong but in reality, my faith was supported by a thread and I was holding on to quickly unraveling strands. To give me a stronger rope, the Lord had to set me on a faith full of struggles and pain.

I can describe my life in the past three years with three words-funerals, hospitals, tears. Thanksgiving break of my Freshmen year of college, my aunt, one of the godliest women that I knew, unexpectedly passed away. She was such a staple in my life. I once wrote a paper about how I admired her most for all that she had been through and still somehow had such a strong faith in the Lord. It was heartbreaking to see the pain that this death caused my dad and my cousins, and my grandparents. Three weeks to the day, during my first set of finals, my grandmother-my aunt's mother- passed away. We hadn't even really gotten over the shocking death of my aunt and we have to begin learning to accept the death of my grandmother as well. Needless to say, the holidays that year were not a very joyous occasion. My grandfather spent a lot of that next summer in the hospital battling one thing after the next-illnesses to confusion to depression. I spent that summer trying to be strong for my dad, because that's who I was-the one who kept composure.

Sophomore year brought a set of different problems. Smaller, family issues always rose to the surface. I pride myself in having broken three cars in a two months' time. I was leaving for summer missions and I didn't have any form of transportation, but the Lord provided. That summer was difficult as there were many changes in my family. Just weeks before I was to leave for the summer, my grandfather had to be placed in a psychiatric hospital for his dementia. It was one of the most terrifying situations I have ever been a part of. Sometimes that place still gives me nightmares. Then comes Junior year with the craziest mix up of things yet.

October 2, I will never forget that date, we had spent the whole morning doing local missions projects around Athens and we were enjoying pumpkin chocolate chip muffins and a marathon of Boy Meets World when I get a random text message from my brother that said "know that I love you". Getting a text from my brother isn't really a random occurrence but the way he phrased things caused me to worry. A minute late, my older sister called and I knew something was wrong. My father had had a heart attack. That situation in itself is still amazing to look at because the Lord truly had His hand on everything. The artery that was blocked is what they call "the widow maker". (There's a bayer aspirin commercial about it now). They call it that for a reason. Usually when "the widow maker" is blocked, you don't realize it until it is too late-hence the name. Did I mention that my father lives about 30 minutes from the nearest hospital. As he recovered, I began to fall into a downward spiral increased by the fact that there was more to come. A few weeks later, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Come December, I found myself again in the hospital with my great grandmother. After spending a few days with her in ICU, she passed away. I never got around to visiting her in the nursing home. I still regret that. The day after her funeral, my grandfather is back in the hospital and he has no clue where he is or even of what year it is. Come back to Athens in January and a few days later my uncle, again on my dad's sign, is diagnosed with multi organ cancer and the outlook isn't very bright. We thought he had six months to a year, but as I'm in New Orleans with the most amazing family that the Lord could have surrounded me with, I get a call that says he might not even make it through the night. He did, but only a few weeks after that. Come June, I think things have calmed down and my father ends up back in the hospital with his heart again.

That's the last three years in a quick recap. Now to the part that matters. I was bitter. I didn't think I was. I thought I dealt with each situation as it approached and I thought I had conquered this whole "suffering" thing. There I going thinking again and of course, once again I was WRONG. I had really just been sweeping it under the rug, awaiting that chance to unleash my anger and fury out at the Lord. Tonight, the speaker told us the story of Lazarus in a different light than I had ever heard it. It was amazing and eye opening. The thing that he said that resonated with me the most, was that yes God loves us, but it's not about us and He doesn't love us more than His glory. So yes suffering isn't fun, but it's not about what it does to us, it's about how He is glorified through each situation. Christ wept with Mary as all of her anger and sadness erupted as she knelt at the Lord's feet. His tears weren't because He felt helpless, they were because He loved her yet He KNEW that HIS FATHER'S glory was more important than her suffering. The Lord sees the bigger picture. He can see 5 frames to our 1. Sometimes that's comforting and other times it's frustrating. Tonight, I found myself kneeling as Mary did full of bitterness, anger, sadness, completely speechless and just weeping. No, I didn't have Christ physically with me weeping, but I felt in that moment that it wasn't about me. All of this pain, wasn't about me and how I handled it. It was about the Lord and how HE was glorified in it. As I sat there, a song began playing in my head and I only remember these lines from it. It says "God is with us. He will go before us. He will never leave us. He will never leave us."
Tonight, the Lord showed me that He had been using all of these heartaches to take those strands that I called my faith when I came to college, and turn them into thick layers. I THOUGHT my faith was strong before. I THOUGHT  I could make it through anything before. Now I KNOW that my faith is solid in Christ and firm in His Word. Now I KNOW that I can make it through any heartache or trump with the Lord holding my hand and taking each step with me. It's not about me. It's not about my suffering. The Lord suffered a whole lot more FOR me when He took my place on that cross. It's about the Father's glory. But that doesn't mean that the Lord wants us to suffer alone. He gives us His Word, His Spirit, and encouragement through family and friends. I write all of this because I wasn't bitter. I wasn't upset. Or at least I didn't think I was. I honestly felt fine coming into this conference and in was through other people's stories that I realized I wasn't fine and that I had been holding all of this back. I want to leave you with the challenge to be still, listen, and respond as God speaks to you in whatever way that may be and also with a piece of scripture that I have found extremely encouraging-"You have given me many troubles and bad times, but You will give me life again. When I am almost dead, You will keep me alive. You will make me greater than ever, and You will comfort me again."  Psalm 71:20-21


Take comfort in that-but know it's not about you or your suffering, but what the Lord is doing to glorify Himself.

Tears and Laughter

"So my dear brothers and sisters, stand strong. Do not let anything move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your work in the Lord is never wasted." 1 Corinthians 15:58 


These are the words I have lived by for the past few days. And let me tell you something, I have never experienced as much joy as I experienced tonight at worship. There was literally one point where I was torn between tears and laughter because I was overflowing with joy. It excites me to the point that I want to tell everyone this verse. I want to post it everywhere. I was people to read it, and also believer it. I want people to know whether they are planning, running sound, doing lights, playing, PRAYING, just coming and participating that their work for the Lord is not wasted. 


Work is one of those words that has a negative connotation accompanied with it. People rarely want to work. I never want to do my school work, especially reading, but if I can find a book to read that doesn't have anything to do with school, you better believe I will read that thing cover to cover in just a few days. It's the word 'work' that puts people off, especially me. I have found a joy in work lately though. Work doesn't always have to be negative, especially work for the Kingdom. It is such a pleasure to hold the responsibilities I hold in the different aspects of my life. The Lord is blessing me leaps and bounds through them all. I am creating new friendships with people that are just amazing at what they do and very few people ever know that. I am solidifying relationships with people that I have been friends with for a while and getting to serve with them is just making our friendship stronger. Every task that we may deem as small, from a simple prayer to pushing some buttons, is not wasted. The Lord sees it all. It isn't the act that we perform but it's the heart with which we perform it. It isn't success of an event but whether or not the message of Christ was displayed. I am so grateful to be where I am this year and I cannot wait to see what BIG, GREAT things the Lord has in store for me and my friends. 


To wrap things up, I read Oswald Chambers this afternoon and one of the quotes I had underlined was "Don't rejoice in your successful service for Me, but rejoice because of your right relationship with Me." This was Chambers' rewording of Luke 10:19-20 which says 


"Do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rather rejoice because your names are written in heaven."


Here Christ had chosen 72 followers to precede Him into towns that He was going. The 72 came back from their various places and were so excited that "even the demons obeyed us when we used Your name." (verse 17). His response was simply that He had given them marvelous power but their excitement and rejoicing shouldn't be in the things they were doing, but just in the fact that they KNEW HIM. Such a display of how we should be as we serve. Our excitement and joy shouldn't be when we have a successful or smooth event, but rather in the fact that the Lord loves us....LOVES US and GIVES us the opportunity to serve Him. He gives us those opportunities. He doesn't need us to serve Him. Our service is nothing really when you think of the God who created the vast universe and the planets and stars and figured out how to make a human body run with such complexity. He lets us serve Him and that should be exciting and mind blowing to us. 


I leave you with this song. I heard it a few weeks ago at church and have become obsessed with it. I love the first verse because it really embodies this passage that I was describing. Our lives should center, revolve, circle around Christ and our rejoicing should come in the fact that He is with us. So here you go. 

"Because of Your great love, I can come into Your temple. Because I fear and respect You, I can worship in Your holy temple." Psalm 5:7-8 

Is this real life?

Here is the inspiration for the title of my blog tonight.

I know we have all watched and laughed hysterically at this video because the little boy is just so precious and everything he says is just hilarious. I have felt like him a little the past couple of days. No, not because I went to the dentist and had stitches on my teeth, but because there have been a lot of crazy things going on that have made me continually stop and ask, "Is this real life?" I just want to point on four things in this video that I have said or done over the course of the past few days. 1-Of course, the famous-"Is this real life?" 2-The part when he screams like a banshee, yeah I've done that a time or two. 3-I have asked myself over and over "Why is this happening to me?". 4-Finally, I've questioned "Is this gonna last forever?". Now let me explain.

Yesterday morning began in the most interesting of ways. My grandfather is suffering from Alzheimer's and he is continually getting worse as the days go on. This past week has been especially hard on him and my father who is acting as his caregiver. Yesterday morning I was woken up by loud noises, some shouts, and a couple of slammed doors. My grandfather had woken up thinking he was somewhere other than home. Never a good thing. It breaks my heart to see him suffer from this disease and yesterday morning, as he sat in his chair talking to someone that wasn't there, I began to realize the importance of savoring every moment you get to spend with the people you love and not wasting one second. I left for church feeling oddly blessed and encouraged. I want to put this song in here because it is becoming one of my favorites. We played this yesterday morning at the end of the service and every time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes. The words are so true, powerful, and moving. And as I played this song yesterday morning, I thought of my grandpaw.

Now here comes the crazy. On my way to church, my roommate Laura calls me and tells me that a mirror fell off of the wall and sliced the pipe behind the toilet in half. Our apartment is soaking wet from the top to the bottom. Water was dripping through the floor of the second story into the living room, kitchen, and closet of the downstairs. I just laughed. Poor pineview. If you live here, you know what it's like. Somewhere between church and dealing with the flood, my twitter account got hacked which has just provided me with some extremely entertaining phone calls, messages, and tweets asking me what in the world I was trying to tell them. As I get to Athens, I am welcomed by a checkerboard ceiling, wet carpets, and no air. The water flooded the air conditioning unit and the heat was causing the apartment to fill up with a terrible stink. That terrible stink is contagious let me tell you. It took hold in the downstairs, the upstairs, and even inside of me. Yesterday I laughed about all of the crazy that was going on, and I woke up today frustrated and mad. Not very becoming.

The air was supposed to get fixed-it didn't. The carpet wasn't supposed to smell-it did. Things were piling up today. The children I nanny were putting on their worst attitudes for me. I was defeated by the end of the day. As I was cleaning out my room, where the temperature is averaging about 85 degrees or so, I ran across the sheet music for a song we had to do at BCM. I felt embarrassed for my attitude lately. It is frustrating not having air conditioning-but so many people all over the world live every day without air conditioning. The odor rising from my carpets is gut wrenching-but people are confronted with gut wrenching sights,sounds, smells all over the world every day. People don't always get their needs met-if I learned anything over the summer it was that. So I found this song and had to sit back and retune my attitude for a moment. The Lord provides our needs. He provides our NEEDS. I have food. I have shelter. I have wonderful neighbors and friends who are letting me sleep in their apartment each night. I have been given the chance to be patient and gracious and to be grateful for all the He has blessed me with. It's amazing how He uses things to teach us lessons. I was joking yesterday when I tweeted about our water pipe and used the hashtag #blessingsthroughbustedpipes?. But it's true. He is blessing me through this busted water pipe. And I'm learning the meaning of gratitude.

Poop,Popsicles,Pirates and Monsters

Warning-Before you begin reading this post, it may be a little wordy and it may make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Just so you know. 

I have a lot to say. The past couple of weeks I have forsaken blogging, journaling, pretty much all forms of processing the events that are taking place in my life or the lessons I am learning. Why? I honestly don't know. So if you read this all the way through, I'm sure you are in for a big treat...maybe. The past few weeks I have been interning at a church. It has been a wonderful experience thus far. I have been a part of their worship services on Sunday mornings playing the keys and singing. Music is one of my passions. I love it. I love listening to it, playing it, goofing around with it. It's soothing and inspiring. Sometimes lyrics hit you hard and make you think and other times they are just goofy and are good for belting out loudly in the car (most likely by yourself or if you're a girl, another group of girls). I love music so I've loved getting to share one of my passions with the other people on that stage. I've especially loved getting the chance to lead worship with my cousin and her husband. He was the first person to ever get me involved in a praise band and it's now come back full circle. Funny how those things happen. I have been extremely convicted lately about the attitude that I go into worship with. A lot of times I get caught up in making sure that the music I'm playing is perfect and every note I hit is perfect. While those things may matter some, they are of no significance in comparison to what I'm singing. I had this realization the other day when I was listening to my three year old nephew sing. He likes to make up his own songs about any topic under the sky, such as poop, popsicles, pirates, monsters-you name it, he sings about it. So I thought, what if me-a 21 year old adult ( and I use that term loosely) started singing about poop, popsicles, pirates, and monsters. Would it matter if I hit every note right, if my technique on the keys was perfect, or even what my voice sounded like? Probably not. You would probably still think I was a little insane and not that talented. Be honest. The content of what we sing, or even say, is so much more important that how we sing, or say, it. Worship is not about how great a person sounds. It's about what's coming out of their heart. Worship should be vertical-between a person and the Lord- not horizontal. Worship should be used for glorifying God not lifting up man. According to scripture, music is meant to praise and exalt the Lord. 

"Sing unto the LORD a new song, and his praise from the end of the earth, ye that go down to the sea, and all that is therein; the isles, and the inhabitants thereof. Let the wilderness and the cities thereof lift up their voice, the villages that Kedar doth inhabit: let the inhabitants of the rock sing, let them shout from the top of the mountains." Isaiah 42:10-11

"O give thanks unto the LORD; call upon his name: make known his deeds among the people.
Sing unto him, sing psalms unto him: talk ye of all his wondrous works." Psalm 105:1-2 

 Not only have I gotten to play music, but I have been able to be apart of starting a wonderful program at their church which feeds kids lunches each day. This feeding program is something that I look forward to each and every day upon waking up. I have developed relationships with some of these families. I have heard some heartbreaking stories of trials and struggles that have plagued these children and their parents. I have seen parents, hesitant of what conditions this "free" lunch may hold for them, come alone and then slowly start bringing their children in. I have answered questions and asked plenty more. I have had a small child run and cling my knees and another one tell me they cut their hair to match the other intern. It has been a blessing to watch as certain families come back each day at the same time and also a little heartbreaking as a day passes and a certain family doesn't come back. So far one of the big lessons I have learned from this program is about giving. No I'm not giving my own food or even money for this food. I'm giving my time. It's as simple as that. I'm giving my time to these kids each day. Whether it be by refilling the chip basket or pouring ice out of a cooler, restocking the corn dogs, counting the number of milks in the fridge, or just standing there waiting-being available. Some of these people didn't talk that much when they first started coming. Now some of them sit and talk for twenty minutes or more. Availability matters. Sincerity matters. Interest matters. Whether or not we think someone has something interesting to say, we should be interested in them, in their lives, in their stories. I once told someone that I could write a book about my life and my family and it would sell because it was so interesting. We should regard each person we come into contact with that way. They should be interesting to us. Their beliefs should be interesting to us. Their lives, their struggles, their trials, their victories should ALL be interesting to us. Being available for those people to talk to WHEN they are ready is important. Most of the time I stand behind a counter waiting for someone else to come in. But I'm there. I'm available. That's important. I struggled with feeling like I wasn't really doing anything but I am. I'm available for those kids and for those parents and anyone else that might come into the church. It wasn't something that I was immediately aware of. In all honesty, I just became aware of it today. I had a friend send me this verse on Sunday because I was sorting through all of this and he was sending me encouraging verses. As soon as I read it, I was convicted-in a good way. I was "convicted but inspired" is how he put it. 

"Do everything without grumbling or arguing,so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain." Philippians 2:14-16

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men," Colossians 3:24

"I, the LORD, have called you
     for a righteous [purpose], 
    and I will hold you by your hand. 
    I will keep you, and I make you
    a covenant for the people 
    [and] a light to the nations, 
    in order to open blind eyes, 
    to bring out prisoners from the dungeon, 
    [and] those sitting in darkness from the prison house.
     I am Yahweh, that is My name;
    I will not give My glory to another, 
    or my praise to idols." Isaiah 42:6-8


"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling" Psalm 68:5


"Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow." Isaiah 1:17


I leave you with this last verse and a song. I don't know whether you relate to any of this-relearning the way you view music or realizing that even just being available matters. But those are my big lessons for the past few weeks. God loves those who sometimes aren't given any love. We are called to help those in need. We are called to be the voice of the voiceless and the defender for those who cannot defend themselves. You may be wondering how the two lessons relate. Well, before we can show others Christ's love, we have to experience it first ourselves. Our love should be a horizontal overflow from a vertical fountain. What does the Lord require of us-to act justly,love mercy. and to walk humbly. 

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
   And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
   and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

Astonishing!

Today I started reading a book for the second time. The first time I didn't get through the first few chapters and then all craziness broke out and I completely forgot about it. To be honest, I don't think I've picked the book up since Christmas time as evidenced by the fact that today when I picked the book up to begin reading, I opened it up and found a Christmas card tucked away inside. And no, it was not being used as a bookmark. I heard of this book last fall and desperately wanted to read it. There was something about it that just struck a chord with me and I knew that it would be something that I would benefit from. Today as I made my way through the first few chapters (again) I found myself wanted to underline and star every sentence. I found myself writing endless notes all through the margins, something that I hadn't done the first time through. It was as though I hadn't really grasped the thought behind the text the first time I went through reading it. Today, however, the ideas were jumping out at me.

The name of the book is Dying to Live by Clayton King and the main thought between the front and back cover (or at least what I have gotten through so far) is just that. Realizing that our lives are more than just simple existences that end when we draw our last breath. In the very introduction of this book, I found one of the strongest points so far. It says, "I've been trying to get God to bless me and give me an easy life without giving Him any of me." I have read that same sentence over several times because I realized, today  mind you, that a lot of times THAT is exactly my mindset. I do things with the wrong motives, the wrong intentions, but still expect God to bless me through them. He finishes the introduction out by talking about true life and really "dying to live". He says, "And the way that life is discovered is by dying. Dying to your STUBBORN will, your CHILDISH pursuits, your SHALLOW dreams, your SUPERFICIAL selfishness." Because that is exactly what everything within us is-stubborn,childish,shallow,and superficial. We are all of those things without Christ but thankfully, we do not have to live our lives like that.

Another one of the biggest ideas I have gotten through this book so far is that Christ's purpose in life was to come as a sacrifice. To live purely and perfectly and then die the death of a criminal. Christ came to die. Why then, do we as humans-full of sin and evil-think that we deserve anything else out of life? Why do we think that our purpose is any different? I'm not talking about physical death here, I'm talking about dying out to ourselves. Dying out to the ambitions, dreams, desires, wishes, and ideas of ourself that will eventually lead to our demise regardless. The things of this world are not enjoyable in eternity. They are false promises and fake hopes. They do not sustain and they do not last. Yet we continually place our joy in them. I am speaking straight from experience here. The opposite of denial is acceptance, exalting. If we do not deny ourselves and follow Christ, then we are doing the opposite-we are accepting our sin, even exalting our sin and self and denying Christ. "If we live only for ourselves, we lose everything once we draw our last breath."

 Life is practice for death. If our life is centered around temporary things, what does that mean for us as we face death? An astonishing thing to really ponder on is that once we have reached death, we can't change anything. There are no more do-overs, no more repeats, no more chances. We get one life. What are we doing with it? What am I doing with it? Have I died to myself so that I can life a life of FREEDOM and JOY through the only one who has defeated death?

I  leave you with this question. What or better yet, Who are you living for-yourself or God? It's something I had to ask myself today and I found that as much as I wanted to say that I was fully and completely living for God, I couldn't and that to me was astonishing.

Being true to my word I wanted to include a video with this post. It's my current song obsession. We played this song several times at BCM this year and I have fallen deeply in love with it. They don't sing the second verse in this video but I want to include the lyrics to it because it's my favorite.

Oh Lord, please light the fire
That once burned bright and clean
Replace the lamp of my first love, 
That burns with holy fear.

Oh Lord You're Beautiful-Jesus Culture

Wake Up Call

This weekend has found me driving a LOT and with lots of driving, comes lots of music and little time to blog so here we go friends. 

In one of my more recent posts I talked about how my family is such a blessing to me. I love them, especially my nephew. It is such a joy to be an aunt and to have such a precious nephew in my life. Joy is truly exemplified in this precious little three year old. He finds joy in such the smallest things, like scented bubbles (that aren't even scented) or a new song. He loves music. I was riding with him in the car this morning and there was a song on the radio that he didn't even know and I look over and find him with his eyes closed, nodding his head to the beat, and just enjoying the simplicity of a good song. Let me remind you, he's three. One thing I really love about my nephew is that he loves to sing. He picks up a song and just latches to it and will learn it and sing it over and over and over. His new song is "Just the Way You Are". Let me just preface this by saying I've never been a big fan of this song but I find him singing it way too cute to not love so I wanted to share with you guys a little bit of the blessing that God has put in my life in the form of a small, three year old boy.

 

The next song I want to share is one you have probably heard but I love it still. I want to challenge you to forget about the fact that you have heard it before but to just listen to it. It's a song of praise. It reminds me a lot of 2 Samuel 22 when David is praising the Lord for delivering him. David is pouring his heart of thanksgiving out to the Lord and I was convicted when reading this passage that so many times I forget to praise and thank the Lord for answering my prayers, for delivering me from my enemies, for providing for me. Sometimes I become ungrateful and this song and 2 Samuel 22 reminds me that the Lord deserves praise for all because He alone is all powerful, He alone is magnificent, He alone is worthy of our praise and He is strong above all. 

Your Love is Strong-Jon Foreman

The next song came late one night as I was coming back from spending some wonderful time with some dear friends. I realized that I take their friendship for granted so much. I love each and every one of them but there was a time when they weren't in my life and I felt the same way that is described in this song. As I was driving across the mountain and listening to this song I was convicted on how much stock I put into spending time with my friends. I'm not saying that time with friends isn't needed or well deserved but when it becomes something that you can't function without, it's a problem. The Lord has been blessing me with time to spend alone and with Him. I sometimes forget that my relationship with Him should come before any other relationship and that's what I think this song is really pointing to. When we feel alone, when we feel like we are out of place or out of sync with the rest of the world, we have someone that loves us unconditionally and so much that He gave us His son and His son gave us the greatest gift of all, His life. He gave His life for us and that is something that should take our breath away every time we think about it. We are never out of place or out of sync because He loves us. 

Bleeding For You-Sixteen Cities

Today as I was driving back to Athens, I had the wonderful opportunity to have an amazing conversation about God and our walks with Him with a friend. It's amazing how so many times we as Christians don't want to talk about the times that we are struggling in our walks. Those times happen and sometimes we have lost that passion that we once had. Most of the times, we equate that feeling with failure and inadequacy in our walks with the Lord. In truth, we are all inadequate but that is the beauty of His grace. He doesn't love us because we deserve it. He doesn't love us BECAUSE of who we are, He loves us IN SPITE of who we are. I'm sure a lot of us, if not most, have had those times when we felt disconnected from who we were created to be and this last song is just talking about begging God to help us rediscover Him. Because in truth, we can not be revived on our own. We do not make ourselves a new creation, but God creates in us a new self. I really love this song. I love the truth and honesty in it. I hope you guys enjoy! 

Rediscover You-Starfield

I encourage you guys to read all of Isaiah 43 and really dwell on what the Lord is saying. I find this such an encouraging passage and hope you will as well. 

"But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. ² When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze." 

Isaiah 43:1-2

Start of Something Good?

Yes my title is inspired from the wonderful Disney channel classic, High School Musical. I won't deny it, I am a sucker for those Disney Channel musical movies. I actually just finished watching Camp Rock 2. Judge if you must. But all joking aside, today as I was driving to work I decided that I would do something new with my blog. Instead of just writing and writing and writing, I would write and include links to some of my favorite music for the day. So today is the first day I am going to do that.

I have been reading in Ruth lately and I really love what I am learning from this book. Ruth changed her entire life to stay with Naomi. Out of loyalty to Naomi? Maybe. But maybe she tasted a bit of Naomi's God and yearned for more. Psalm 34:8 says

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him."


If Ruth did get a taste of what God is, I can only think it came from Naomi. What a life of reckless abandonment that others are affected by her relationship with God. I yearn for that in my own life. Ruth left all she had known and turned to a new life, a new way of living, a new God. 


"But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." Ruth 1:16


As I was pondering this, a song came on that kind of fit my conviction. I want to live a life of reckless abandonment that others are affected by my relationship with Christ. That others see a difference in me, a difference in who I once was and a difference in me from the rest of the world. I want to be sold out and unashamed for Him. So these two songs that I am putting on here just sum up my mindset today as I was taking my daily drive to work.  

Jesus Culture-Rooftops--Amazing song of pure unashamed worship

Chris August-Starry Night--I love this song. The chorus gets me every time. 


I hope you guys enjoy!

Rear View Mirrors

Beauty. What does it truly look like? We've all heard the old cliche "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What truth that statement holds. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, but unfortunately a lot of times we don't exactly see it. David Hume wrote, "Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them."

Today I was heading out of my hometown back towards Athens and if you know me at all and have ever had a conversation with me about where I am from, you have heard me say two things. First, that you've probably never heard of my town because it is tiny. Second, it's in the middle of the mountains and it's absolutely GORGEOUS. Now I want to note that I didn't always think my small podunk town was striking until I left it. Now I get excited as the mountains start popping back up on the horizon as I drive back into town. It's one of those things I hope to never get over. But in the twelve years or so that I have lived there, I never really realized the beauty that surrounded me every single day as I drove to and from school, drove around town, drove 30 minutes just to reach human civilization. Every day I lived in the midst of this beauty and my eyes were closed to it. Only when I left did I see it. Today, as I was once again driving away, I looked in my rear view mirror and the sight took my breath away. I was on Taylor's Ridge and the view from there is awe inspiring. But today instead of looking at the view as I was approaching it, I watched in as I passed and it was even more breath taking, dangerous yes, but absolutely gorgeous. The thought struck me, how have I missed that view for all of these years? How have I been missing the natural beauty that surrounded me every day as I walked through the motions of my life.

Then another thought hit me even harder. If I am missing such blatant physical displays of beauty that God has surrounded me with, how much more am I missing? A song came on my playlist as I was driving back and it just hit a nerve. Maybe it was because I was a little torn up about leaving or maybe it was because of the conviction I had just had, but it hit a nerve nonetheless. The song wasn't necessarily about God, but in reality everything is about Him isn't it, or at least it should be. The song was talking about love and running away from it (I know it doesn't seem to connect with my last train of thought but bare with me, I promise this is just one long train). I'm a little bit of a pessimist. I helped found the Junior Optimist club at my middle school and my dad always told me that I was the most pessimist optimist he had ever met. I expect the best but hope for the worst (seems a little backwards right)-in people, situations, relationships, any outcome really. I wouldn't even say I expect the best though. I don't really expect anything a lot of times, but I do hope that the worst occurs because I can handle bad. I have known a lot of difficult situations growing up so to me, bad news is second nature. To me, living with a difficult situation overhead just seems normal. Chaos and tragedy have been such a big part of my life that I know how to handle that. What I can't handle is good.  I run away from anything that looks like good, or in the words of the song, anything that looks like love. So here's the connector.
Love.
God loves us----me.
God IS love.
God is good.
God is love. God is good. Love is good.
God's love is good.

He loves us. He doesn't promise crystal clear sunshiney days but He loves us and that means that we should have unfathomable joy and maybe get the opportunity to have a few crystal clear sunshiney days. God has blessed me with so much but instead of recognizing the beauty that I've been living in I've been searching for the part where something bad happens. I've been running away from the good and searching for the bad. I've been waiting to find something, the smallest thing, that will prove to be a disappointment. Instead of cherishing the beauty that God has blessed me with, I've been anticipating disaster. So here's my point-live in the moment. If we are always looking for the next thing, we are missing what God has given us NOW. I don't want to wait and have to look in the rear view mirror to see the beauty of what God is doing, I want to live in it, recognize it, see it, cherish it, bask it, be grateful for it, praise Him for it, be awestruck by it, love it NOW.

Here are just a few things that are in my NOW that God has blessed me with:

1. Family-they may be crazy, we may have a few dents and insane moments, but I love them. They are wonderful and encouraging and although some relationships aren't as great as I would hope, I pray that they grow. He has blessed me with a wonderful father and an amazing older sister with both I am extremely close. And I admit sometimes I wish I had a more normal family, but then I would have no crazy stories to tell.

2. Friends-I am blessed with the amazing opportunity to live next door and with some of my dearest, closest friends. We have the chance to share in so much with each other just because we live so close together. I couldn't ask for a better support or source of encouragement. These girls are amazing and to think, I didn't even know them that well when we moved in.

3. BCM-This is my family away from home. I love this place and to have the chance to see it change and grow is amazing. The friendships I have made with other students and with the campus ministers are each their own blessings. The opportunities I have been given through this ministry-using my talents, abilities, gifts, for Him. It's been such a strong light in my life and I am so thankful to have found a place to call "home".

4. Opportunities- Finally, the Lord has given me some amazing opportunities for this summer, some of which I was hesitant to take. He has given me a chance to rest and a chance to serve. He has given me a chance to spend some time with a family and kids that I love to pieces AND a chance to once again use my talents and abilities that He has given me for Him. He is giving me the chance to go somewhere new and work with kids that I don't know but will hopefully build relationships with by the end of the summer. And He has given me the chance to be a part of a church family that is going out and serving in their own community.

These are pieces of the beautiful things that God is placing around me. I'm reminded of the song by Gungor, "Beautiful Things".

"You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us."

Beauty.

Unstinkinbelievable

Yes it is 2 o'clock in the morning and yes I am blogging. I find that I do things at odd times. For instance, I was singing Christmas carols just the other day...and it's April. Sometimes I find myself cleaning or doing dishes at midnight. Other times I find myself scrubbing my tub in the wee hours of the morning. I like doing things in the middle of the night when there are very few distractions. Doing things at odd times may make me slightly strange but let's face it, I'm already slightly awkward and I just embrace it. So I'm embracing the idea that blogging at 2:07 in the morning is completely acceptable and normal.

The truth is, I am too excited to sleep. I just got back from leadership interviews at the BCM and I am unstinkinbelievably pumped for what the Lord is getting ready to do in that place. He is about to blow us out of the water and I can't wait! For those of you reading this that have no clue what BCM is or why this is such a big deal, let me fill you in. BCM is the Baptist Collegiate Ministries and it is commonly referred to as "the B". For this upcoming year, things are changing. We are switching from 30 years of a system that has worked fine to a new system focused on discipleship. A good verse for this I think would be

"⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." John 15:8

Oh it's amazing! The things the Lord is getting ready to do in that place I can't even imagine, but I'm ready! Interviews were just so encouraging. Seeing people with passions and hearts for all different areas of the ministry was truly uplifting. After all, diversity is what makes a ministry a ministry right.

I was reading in Philippians yesterday and the theme verse for the BCM last year came back to me.

"¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

⁶ Who, being in very nature^[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature^[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸ And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!"

Philippians 2:1-8

Verses two through four really just hit me hard yesterday as I was reading. "Being like-minded"..."being one in spirit and of one mind"..."nothing out of selfish ambition"..."value others above yourselves"..."to the interests of the others"...

Those are just some highlights of the phrases that hit me. As I was reading and chewing on this powerful piece of scripture I thought about how in a ministry it is very easy to begin to lose sight of the ultimate goal. It is easy for selfish ambition to take over, sometimes even subconsciously. If we are serving for selfish ambition we are not serving in one mind. It's not possible. If my goal is for myself and your goal is for yourself then we obviously do not have the same goal. As I read these verses I thought of being like minded as serving with the purpose of glorifying God at whatever the cost to us. I mean later in this passage we are reminded that Christ showed humility by becoming us, taking the nature of a servant-the King of Glory being a servant!-, and being obedient to death. Whoa. I find it hard to be obedient in just everyday life, much less being obedient to death. Christ lived to glorify God. My prayer for this ministry as it is undergoing change and as leadership positions are being prayed over, is that our hearts are all united with the purpose of serving God to the absolute best of our abilities in the areas to which He calls us. That we are not afraid to become the servant instead of being known as "the leadership team". That we are ready to do what He calls us to do even though it might be new and unfamiliar. I am so excited for this next year! I know that God has amazing things planned and I am so grateful to be allowed to be apart of it in whatever capacity He sees fit.

Leaving you with these verses-a little stepping stone in life, a prayer for me and for all of those serving-

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."-Matthew 5:16

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men"-Colossians 3:23

This is my prayer and heart for the ministry next year. I know that what the Lord has planned is going to be unstinkinbelievable and I can't wait.

Life in Retrospect

Life has been interesting and not entirely easy the last year or so. I have changed cars 4 times nows. The way I have viewed things has changed significantly. My desires and plans have been continually changing. I got a dog which is a significant change in just day to day activities and I have had to say goodbye to one too many loved ones. I imagine these type posts usually come at the end of the year, right before starting off with new resolutions and goals but there is something significant about this past week. This past week marks the first event in a series of extremely crazy events that have filled my life this past year. It was my first break down. I don't mean mentally, rather my first automobile breakdown. If you knew me then, you would know that my car was like a person to me. He was a Pontiac Aztek and his name was Montez. I'm a bit of a nerd and the name came from the leader of the Aztec Indians, Montezuma (or Moctezuma or various other names), and the man who conquered them, Hernando Cortez (or Hernán Cortés if you rather). Regardless, this car meant a lot to me. This time last year, I found myself broken down on the side of the road. Little did I know that that initial incident would be the first in a year long string of incidents that would leave me utterly exhausted-spiritually, mentally, and physically. I don't have much to say at this point. My mind is still fluttering with everything that I am sorting through. As I am looking back through this past year, I am remembering the lessons that God has taught me, the things that I have learned, and how I have grown, and even more so those times when I've failed to see the significance of suffering.

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

James 1:2-6

11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace¹ for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honorwhen Jesus Christ is revealed.

I think one of the biggest things that I have had to learn, is that regardless of our sufferings, God is right there in the midst of the flames with us. He doesn't leave us to fight the battle alone, but He protects us. He is our fortress, our stronghold, our Savior.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46

Suffering is a time for our faith to grow, for our dependence on God to grow, for us to be still and know that He is God and He is in control. I still haven't grasped that completely. I still find myself wondering why these things are happening and if He's still holding the reigns up there. But that's why He has given us the scripture, to be reassured in our sufferings and to prove His faithfulness. I want to end this post with the chorus to a song that is so powerful. If you haven't ever read the story behind it, you should!

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

I Believe in Love-Barlow Girl

I don't know where this blog may find you, but I hope that regardless of your current situation you are clinging to His love and knowing that He is seeing you through. He is our fortress, our refuge, and our strength-that means something right.

²⁴ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”-Mark 9:24